


Empty Chest

by LoveNe



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: AkuSai, AkuSai Day, Canon Compliant, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Enemies, M/M, Reference to Subject X, axel/saix - Freeform, rocky relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-08-11 02:31:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20146126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveNe/pseuds/LoveNe
Summary: Before Roxas and Xion joined Organization XIII, all Axel had was Saïx. At least that’s what he wanted to believe.





	Empty Chest

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing this pair. Actually it’s my first time ever writing Saïx, so go easy on me.

When your body aches more than you thought possible, when your will has been ground down nearly to dust, when your mind has trouble differentiating between hallucination and reality, the one thing you want to do is run to the nearest source of comfort. This is what Axel does every time he’s overworked and underappreciated. No matter how many times he tells himself that it would be better to move on,  _ something _ still causes him to go wandering a little too far past his own room door some nights.

The first thing he hears when he opens the door is loud snoring. Or maybe it isn’t loud at all. There are no other noises in the castle after lights out, so it could just be the terrible echo making it seem louder than it is. Either way, he shuts the door behind him with a soft click and makes his way over to the bed. He slowly takes a seat on the rock hard mattress and just...stares into the darkness. He feels about as empty as the room around him. There are no curtains on the window, no dresser, no decorations, nothing. Just the bed and the clothes and shoes in the closet.

All of their rooms are like this. He’s so sick of it. He’s sick of feeling confined and not being able to express himself. He’s sick of this organization and what it’s doing to his friend. Can he even call him a friend anymore?

He grits his teeth as he lies down, careful not to wake the other man or reopen any of his wounds. Once he’s in a comfortable enough position, he shuts his eyes.

“What happened?” he asks softly. “We were supposed to be looking for answers. Now everything’s all fucked up and I don’t know what we’re doing. This isn’t  _ fun _ for me, Isa, I don’t want to be here anymore.”

He doesn’t receive a response. He doesn’t expect to. In fact, he specifically chose this moment to get everything off his chest so that he wouldn’t have to hear about how he’s being childish or dramatic. He just needs to vent.

“I’m so tired of it all: the daily missions, the boring routines, the constant moaning and groaning about Kingdom Hearts. I don’t  _ care _ . I just want out of here. If I never see Xemnas again, it’ll be too soon.”

He remembers what it feels like to hurt, but he doesn’t  _ feel  _ hurt. That familiar ache he’d get in his chest as Lea is now an annoying, incessant tug at the darker corners of his mind. He thinks if he  _ could _ be in pain, he would be.

“It just really sucks. We do the same thing every single day and you’re still no closer to finding out what we need to know. Why can’t you just admit that he doesn’t have the information we’re looking for and let’s just... _ go. _ I don’t know where, but anywhere has to be better than this place.”

Axel’s voice fades, and the room is eerily quiet now. His hand curls into a fist as he heaves a sigh. “You probably wouldn’t believe it if I told you, what with the “us not having hearts” thing and all but...I miss you. I miss my friend. I miss us walking through Radiant Garden and getting ice cream at Scrooge’s. I miss playing frisbee with you in the square. I miss—”

He snaps his mouth shut as Saïx starts to move behind him. He hears a deep inhale, and flinches in pain when a large arm wraps itself tightly around his middle. (The worst of the wounds were on his chest and stomach.) Axel’s body stiffens as Saïx moves closer and buries his face in his unkempt hair.

“You don’t have to miss me. I’m right here,” he sighs sleepily.

Anger is one of the few things Axel can feel, and he feels it deeply. Before he can think better of it, he blurts, “No, you’re not. You’re elbow deep up Xemnas’ ass, and you look pretty damn comfortable there.”

“I’m not sure if that’s just a disgusting analogy...or if you’re implying that I have an unprofessional relationship with our superior.”

Axel’s mouth pulls into a sneer. “I wasn’t, but if the clown nose fits—”

“ _ Fuck  _ you.”

“We’re already several trysts too deep. Try another line.”

Saïx groans. “I’m too exhausted to start with you tonight. Go to bed, Axel.”

Axel takes a deep breath. He’s tired too, tired of feeling left out and abandoned by the one person who swore to always stay by his side. “Why don’t you ever call me Lea?”

“Why do you insist on calling me Isa?”

His fist gets tighter. “Because I made friends with  _ Isa _ , and not Xemnas’ brainless puppet Saïx. Remembering you as Isa grounds me. It let’s me know that no matter how fucked things get later on down the line, you’ll be a constant in my life. I need to know that we’re going to get out of here and go home like you swore to me we would. I need to know it’s still you in there.”

The room is silent for a while, and Axel is convinced that Saïx is drifting off to sleep again. It isn’t until he feels a hand cover his fist and gently uncurl it that he’s able to shake off some of his anger. Their fingers interlock, and Axel remembers what it feels like to pine after another to the point where nothing in all the worlds make sense. For so long, Lea has wanted this type of affection from him, and it comes now, when he doesn’t have the heart to appreciate such a gesture.

Does that mean Saïx is only doing this because he remembers that this is what  _ Lea _ wanted once upon a time? Is he doing this to shut him up, or because be wants to? Axel can never tell anymore.

“Axel, you know my word is good. I’ve never broken a single promise in all my existence, and I never intend to. Especially not to you. Once I get the information I need, we’re gone.”

“And what if you never find it?”

“I  _ will _ . You need to trust me.”

Axel almost laughs. He could trust him about as far as he could throw him, which isn’t very far. Isa had all of his never-ending trust and support;  _ Saïx _ has walked all over it in the span of a week. He didn’t even want to think about the week prior, or  _ any  _ of the days before that.

Saïx huffs. “I know I haven’t been...the best to you. I’m sorry. The second we get our hearts back, I will make it up to you.”

That’s not good enough for Axel. “So until then you’ll just continue to treat me like some toy you can play with whenever you’re bored?” 

“For someone with no heart, you’re awful sensitive,” Saïx chuckles.

“You’re a  _ dick _ and I hate who you’ve become.”

The room goes quiet again. Axel doesn’t regret what he said for a second. Maybe it’s what Saïx needs to hear.  _ Maybe  _ if he sees how much he’s hurting his friend, he’ll do better. After all this, Axel has to mean something to him...right?  _ Lea _ has to mean something— _ anything _ to him.

“I have no time in my schedule for games. I don’t  _ play with toys _ , Axel. I try to spend time with the man I fucking care about when I can. Did you ever stop to think that maybe if you helped me, we’d find it a lot faster and be on our way sooner?”

“Your idea of “help” is sucking up to that bastard. Sorry, but I’m not okay with kissing ass.”

“Then stop complaining about how long it’s taking me,” Saïx growls. “Everything that I’m doing is for  _ us _ , and the fact that you think I would even be remotely interested in Xemnas is appalling. I told you before that I wouldn’t abandon us. Stop whining.”

“Here we fucking go,” Axel sighs. “Every time we talk about something—no!—every time  _ I  _ talk about something it turns into me being a whiner or complainer! God forbid I have legitimate concerns or fucking feelings!”

“You  _ don’t! _ ” Saïx roars, and it echoes around the room violently. “We don’t have hearts. You don’t have feelings. You are  _ whining  _ because you are impatient. You’ve never been able to sit still and wait for anything in either of your lives and I’m tired of explaining to you that things take time. For fuck’s  _ sake,  _ if you’re not going to help me, can you at least trust me to do this? If you feel yourself getting antsy again, find something to fucking do! At this point I am  _ begging you  _ to leave me the hell alone!”

Axel’s mind is flooded with memories of heartbreak. If he really concentrates, he can feel the tiniest little burn in the center of his chest. But he’s too tired to concentrate. He feels nothing, but the memory alone is enough to make his eyes sting and mist over.

“Fine. I’ll leave you alone.”

Saïx squeezes his hand. “Don’t. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have,” Axel replied coldly. And it’s in that moment that he realizes that maybe he’s letting his...memories of his feelings for Isa get in the way of things. Saïx is right, they don’t have hearts. He  _ is _ impatient. It’s possible that he  _ is _ complaining. If he could let go of everything and stop pretending to care…

Axel inhales deeply, and with that breath, he takes in everything. The stress from the missions, the toll they take on him physically, his anger, his annoyance, his memories of what some would call affection for Isa, his impatience, his disdain for Xemnas, his restlessness, his boredom, the faint traces of what he remembers to be hurt, all of it. Everything he “feels” goes in, and with a long exhale, comes back out again.

“I’m sorry. I’m frustrated and tired too. I just need you to relax, please. Let me handle this.”

Axel’s left with nothing. And that’s the way it should be. Holding on to the past won’t do him any good. It’s time to let it go. He needs to rest his mind and his body and get ready for tomorrow’s missions.

“Yeah, sure. Good night, Saïx.”

He feels a pair of lips on the crown of his head. Had Saïx done that a few moments earlier, it might have meant something. 

“Good night, Lea,” he whispers softly, squeezing his hand gently. “I promise...I’m going to get us out of here.”

Axel isn’t counting on it.


End file.
